A Mother's Love: How do You Rate?

How would you rate yourself as a mom? Some women might say they are great mothers, always making the right decisions, saying the right things and having the perfect blend of nurturing and discipline. That’s probably one out of every 500,000 mothers speaking!

I’m guessing most mothers would respond like this: I tried to be a good mom, I think I did my best, I love my kids BUT there was that time I missed a baseball game and he hit a homerun, or I forgot it was picture day and didn’t send her to school in a new outfit, or there were the days of PMS when I yelled way too much and threw a few tantrums myself. Or the one my adult son won’t let me forget—as a young boy he told me he wanted to be a rock star when he grew up and I said “Pick something else you’ll never make it as a rock star.” He still tells me I crushed his dreams.

So, what is it about women? Why do we judge ourselves so harshly? Why is it we forget about the 200 baseball games we sat through, some in the rain, some with our work in our lap, some while we were nine months pregnant with a second child, but we remember the one game we missed? Analyzing women may come in another blog post. Today I want to talk about what our children really remember about our parenting.

They remember traditions. The special way you celebrated their birthday each year; holidays and vacations that you carefully planned; the book you read them every night and sometimes multiple times in one night; notes in a lunch box or messages of encouragement when they were in college; smiles, hugs and the times you lifted them up when they didn’t believe in themselves.

Children remember how you made them feel. The little stuff doesn’t matter. They may remember some of it, like my son, but with a sense of humor because what really matters is knowing they are loved, unconditionally loved.

If your children are young stop beating yourself up for the things you didn’t do “right” and just let that love in your heart shine through to your children every day. If your children are adults, don’t stop showing that unconditional love and support.  You may think they don’t notice or are too focused on their own lives or families to care, but that is not true. We all need to be nurtured, regardless of our age.

On this mother’s day take a risk—ask your children what they remember most about your role as a mother. I don’t think it will be that one game you missed. I’d love to hear some responses so please comment.

One final thought. I can’t let Mother’s Day pass without giving a special thanks to all the women, with and without children of their own, who nurture and provide unconditional love to others who would not know a mother's love if it weren't for them. I know, I am blessed with two very special women in my life who nurture and love me, unconditionally.

Happy Mother’s Day!  Roberta

Shining Light Through the Boston Marathon

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness;

only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate;

only love can do that."

                                                                                                                              Martin Luther King, Jr

 

 

Monday April 15, 2013

4:20PM

I turned on the television hoping to catch a few minutes of the Dr. Oz Show. What I saw instead was the chaotic scene of marathoners, first responders, and spectators-some running towards, some running away from a smokey, blood stained scene. Then I heard reporters saying "the first explosion.., the second explosion..." I could barely make sense of what was happening but knew it was tragic.

 

11:30PM

Still glued to the television, sickened by the news of three deaths and the count of dismembered and injured people climbing to well over one hundred. I tried to convince myself that this was the act of one lunatic and not a terrorist attack.

 

Tuesday April 16, 2013

6:30AM

Television back on. Yes, this really did happen. One victim was only eight years old. And no, it did not appear to be the doings of a lone, crazy person.

 

11:30PM

The television never went off. The only change was which news channel we watched.

 

As the week progressed the conversation turned to our two daughters who lived in Cambridge less than one year ago and my friend's family who were there at the finish line. What if? What if? And the television stayed on.

 

Friday April 20, 2013

6:30AM

Awoke to the news that the first suspect was dead, the other at large. One MIT Police officer was killed and another seriously wounded by the suspects.

 

10:30PM

Suspect #2 - CAPTURED.

 

It was a week of darkness in our country. Darkness with bursts of light shining through.

• The heroic acts of the trained and untrained first responders putting their own lives second to saving the lives of others.
• The doctors and nurses who worked endless hours repairing what seemed to be unrepairable wounds.
• The law enforcement personnel who strategically worked round the clock until both suspects were identified and captured.
• The unnamed heroes who did their part to assist the law and console the grieving.
• Every denomination of faith that came together in prayer.

There were many shining lights breaking through the darkness of this week. Now it is our job to keep that light shining. During any mass tragedy, personal sadness or act of violence it is easy to slip into the darkness and stay there. How do we remain positive when we are sad, angry or hurting? It's not easy, especially in our world today.

 

This week I had to say Martin Luther King's quote over and over in my head to find some direction. It was Saturday, as I was driving to be with my daughter to try on her very first wedding gown, that I saw the light. At first I felt guilty for being so happy about the day we were about to share. Then I remembered that quote and knew that not only is it OK to be happy, we must  look to the good in our life. Focus on it, relish it, raise up the goodness and love we know exists. That is how we are going to overcome the darkness. That is how we take the power away from evil.

 

Drive out darkness with light! Drive out hate with love! Spend some time today, everyday, focusing on the goodness and love in your life. If we can all do that then light will prevail.

 

I've experienced my own personal darkness, but I live in the light. I'm healthy; physically and emotionally. I have an amazing family and friends who bring me laughter, pride, nurturing and love. Their light shines in me and through me.

 

What light is shining in and through you? Please share with me on this post. It will be contagious. Let's drive out the darkness with our light!  Roberta

 
 
 
 

 



Raising Support for Survivors

April is National Sexual Assault Awareness Month and Child Abuse Prevention Month, two great reasons to raise awareness. Every two minutes someone in the United States is sexually assaulted. One in three girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused by their eighteenth birthday. As many as 93 percent of the children are abused by someone they know and trust.

These are the facts. For many of you this is not the first time you've heard these astonishing statistics. You groan, cringe and occasionally talk about the facts you hear. Then what? The phone rings, the dog barks or a favorite reality show begins and the thoughts of abuse are gone.

For the survivors of sexual abuse it’s not that simple. There may be distractions but they are brief. The emotional scars of abuse resurface, linger, gnaw and sometimes destroy. Some, like myself, make the difficult decision to face their demons and take the journey to healing. Others live a life compromised by the underlying pain.

How often have you heard, or said: I don’t know anyone who has been abused. I know my children are safe. I can’t imagine what survivors go through. What can I do?

I have a great deal to say about each of those common remarks, but I will try to keep this short.

I don’t know anyone? Maybe no one has told you they were abused but looking at the statistics it is likely that you do know someone who has been sexually abused.

I know my children are safe? Remember, over 90% of children are abused by someone they know and trust and children don’t tell. They are threatened, frightened and shamed into silence. You do not know your children are safe.

I can’t imagine how a survivor feels. True, you can’t, but do you still support cancer research and survivors even if you haven’t had cancer? I’m guessing most of you would say--yes.

During this month, as we raise awareness for sexual abuse, let’s also raise the level of support.

Whether it is today, this month when you are asked to make a donation to a charity of your choice, please consider one of the many organizations dedicated to supporting survivors and working to prevent sexual violence towards adults and children. Here are a few of my favorites:

www.StopItNow.org

Stop It Now! has been helping adults and communities prevent the sexual abuse of children since 1992, providing innovative strategies, practical tools and confidential help to keep children and families safe - and to stop child sexual abuse.

http://erinslaw.org

Erin Merryn, survivor, activist and author, travels the country asking legislators to pass Erin’s Law, which requires schools to teach children about sexual abuse. Five states have passed the law with 10 states pending. She will not stop until all 50 states are doing their part to prevent child sexual abuse.

www.RAINN.org

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization providing programs to prevent sexual violence, helping victims and ensuring rapists are brought to justice as well as operating the National Sexual Assault Hotline.

www.janedoenomore.org

Jane Doe No More is improving the way society responds to survivors of sexual assault through education, awareness, advocacy, and support.

You can make a difference for that person you "don't know."

Thank you, Roberta

 

Erin's Law: Preventing Child Sexual Abuse

Recently we were visiting my uncle in Florida. His wife asked how the book was coming along, which led to a conversation about my past. My uncle, my father’s brother, explicitly expressed what he would have done to his brother had he known he was abusing me. It sounds like something any relative would say but for me the thought sparks a fire. If only someone knew. If only I had told.

I never dwell on the what-ifs in relation to my past. My journey to healing has made me a better person and brought me gifts in the form of relationships, insights, faith and love. I am blessed with the life I have. My what-ifs are: what if we could do something to prevent child sexual abuse; what if children weren’t afraid to tell that they were uncomfortable with an adult; what if an abused child knew they could go to another adult and be protected; what if adults knew the signs to look for in children and abusers.

Those what ifs can be realized. It is within our power to prevent children from being sexually abused. Education is the key! One way to educate adults is through programs like Stop It Now! that offer educational materials and  a helpline on their website www.StopItNow.com. My presentations on preventing child sexual abuse incorporate the materials from Stop It Now! along with my personal experience.

Erin Merryn, author and initiator of Erin’s Law is working round the clock to get legislation passed in all 50 states that addresses educating children about sexual abuse. We teach children about fire safety, bullying, saying no to drugs and alcohol and stranger danger. Statistics prove that more than 90 percent of abusers are someone the child knows and trusts. We do not teach children what to do in these situations.  Erin’s Law will change that by giving children the knowledge and vocabulary they need to tell an adult and get the protection they so deserve.

The law has been passed in five states and proposed in several others. Whatever state you live in, I urge you to contact your state senator and ask them to look into Erin’s Law. Let’s not keep asking “What could I have done?” AFTER a child has been abused. Let’s do something now to PREVENT child sexual abuse. A phone call, email or letter to your state senator could be the catalyst to protecting children in your very own neighborhood and perhaps in your own home.

Together we can prevent child sexual abuse. Education is the key! Please do your part to turn the what ifs into a reality for children. Roberta

 

 

Groundhog Day: Living Under a Shadow

Today is February 2 or better known in the United States as Groundhog Day. If the groundhog sees his shadow we are supposed to have six more weeks of winter. For fair weather friends that is not a good thing. This morning Punxsutawney Phil, the official groundhog, did NOT see his shadow, predicting an early spring.

Acknowledging Groundhog Day is fun. Living under a shadow is not. Every day we hear stories of tragedy and hardship. Today my prayers are with the five year old kidnapped and held hostage in Alabama. The families of the victims of Sandy Hook will be in our hearts for a long time. Many of you reading this post have experienced your own suffering whether from abuse or other emotional pain.

Are you living in the shadow of your misfortune?

You may quickly respond—n o. You’ve moved on; don’t talk about the experience, perhaps never even told anyone.  Not talking about an emotionally damaging experience does not mean you are not living under its shadow. The effects may be subtle but they are there. I remember always doubting myself. I silently questioned everything I said and did and each time fell short of feeling good about myself. No one knew. I didn’t talk about it, but I was living under the shadow of a childhood of sexual abuse that had destroyed my self-esteem.  That is just one small example. For me it took years of therapy, confronting my abuse and abusers, to move out from under my shadow into the light.

Your shadow may be created by abuse, grief, anger or emotional pain. You can choose to live beneath it or choose to live in the light. It means taking a big step forward; talking, seeking professional help and letting go of your past.  The work is hard but the rewards are great.

Do you want to live in the darkness of winter or the joy of spring? Make the choice for light and enjoy the life you have. You can do it and you are worth it! Roberta

 

In the Face of Tragedy

Early in the week I was planning on writing a post about holiday traditions. Today I sit here with pain in my heart. The events at an elementary school in Newtown, CT make it difficult to even think about Christmas. The traditions for 26 families will never be the same.

How do we understand the reasoning behind killing six adults and 20 of the innocent children in their care? How do we explain to our own children that their school is a safe place to be and the adults are there to protect them? How do we reach out and help those who are traumatized and left behind to grieve the loss?

I don’t have the answers to those questions. I do have some thoughts on what we can do in the face of tragedy. First, this event alerts me to how unpredictable life is. We all proceed through the day believing that we have tomorrow. How many times have you thought of doing something nice for a friend in need; visiting an elderly relative; thanking someone who has shown you kindness; telling someone you love them? But you are awfully busy this day, this week. Surely there will be a better time to fit in your good intentions. “There’s always tomorrow.” Is there? We don’t know that. If you have the thought—to do something, say something nice—do it! Don’t wait for a day that my never come.

Second, this event reminds me that evil does exist and it is in our own backyards. When it hits so close to home we can react by withdrawing and hovering in negative thoughts and blame. Instead of dwelling on what is wrong with our society think about how we can make it right. My daughter brought a bright spot to my day when she explained her take on this. “If we all stop celebrating the holiday, if we feel guilty enjoying a moment or our day we are letting evil win.” Her thought is that we need to have goodness and love prevail. We can only do that by living and loving the life we are so blessed to have. Evil breeds evil and love breeds love. So although our hearts are heavy we need to proceed with our lives and exude the goodness that we are so blessed to enjoy.

Finally, this event causes me to think that none of us, even those who have no connection to Newtown CT, will ever be the same. Tragedy changes us.  Seeing the American Flag has a profound significance for me since 9/11. As for Newtown, I don’t know yet. I only hope that for all of us the memory of this week, those precious lives, will cause us to act on our thoughts and good deeds, express our feelings to those we love, and exude goodness in the hope of triumphing over evil.

I've made it a point  to keep my religious beliefs out of my posts. Today I ask if you pray to a higher being please pray with me for the families and friends left behind. Roberta

The Ongoing Journey for Survivors

In chapter 12 of my book I write about the Ongoing Journey. Life is an ongoing journey for all of us but it does take on special characteristics for survivors of sexual abuse. In my September post I wrote about "old stuff" creeping back in and some strategies for dealing with that. Today I want to talk about confronting places that were connected to your abuse. 

This past week I had to go back to "the hood." A friend's mom passed away and I was attending the funeral. On my first trip back, a few days before the funeral, I drove through my old neighbor and the house where my abuse took place. It was an innocent passage. I wanted to deliver a meal to the grieving family and never stopped to think of the streets I would take to get there, streets that my girlfriend's and I walked, streets that were my path to school. It brought back memories of that young girl living behind a very dark secret. When I passed the actual house I did one of those brief glances like driving by an accident, wanting and yet not wanting to see.

Two days later I returned for the funeral. It was held in the same church I attended growing up. In church I fought to concentrate on the words of the priest. I kept drifting to thoughts of what my abusive mother's funeral will be like. I won't be there but I know nice things will be said.That's what priests do. To squelch my anger I fantasized about going to the lectern and telling people the truth about her involvement in my abuse. 

As we approached the cemetery, where my father is buried, I held my breath hoping the procession would not drive right past his grave. I was able to laugh telling my friend about my failed attempt years ago trying to carve"Child Molester" with my key on his foot stone. 

My reflections on the week: Driving through the neighborhood I felt sad for the young girl who walked those streets in silent pain. Driving by the house I felt fear well up inside. Sitting in the church I craved the truth be known and in the cemetery I was able to smile at myself.

What does all of this mean? I could have come up with an excuse and avoided the whole experience but I'm glad I didn't. I know I am in a good place because I can feel sadness, fear, and anger, but not be pulled back to the sadness, fear or anger I once lived with. It is all in perspective and healthy. I've gained some strength and pride this week realizing how far I've come. 

As survivors, our pasts are sad, fearful and filled with anger but they are just that-our pasts. We can move forward, be strong and emotionally well even if we have to revisit "the hood."

That my fellow survivors is good news! A little bit of the old feelings are natural and once they pass the feeling you should experience is Pride! You made it...I made it. I wish you the same on your Ongoing Journey. Roberta